If I remember correctly, at the time of the parrots death, they were currently attempting to teach him abstract concepts, with a small amount of success.
Today, I found swatches of paint littering the floor.
The were a bit crinkled and buckled from the falling feet,
Of a thousand visitors coming through my door.
The colors looked up at me, broken and beat.
Shadows cast dark lines like Venetian blinds,
From the cruddy yellow lamp in the corner of my room,
And through all my staring I could not see the signs,
That slowly my house caught on fire despite the gloom.
Cyan, Vermilion, Brickhouse Red, and Buttercup yellow,
Singed to end in flaming orange, back to black.
All of the smoke made it so I couldn’t even swallow,
Away wet streaks of ash on my cheek that I can never get back.
My lamp, my light, has fallen to the floor, shattering.
Porcelain ricochets and bounces off this chaotic score.
Licks of fire casts shadows of dancer’s pitter pattering,
On a dancefloor of the slowly dying colors on the floor.
My clothes begin to smoke from underneath me,
And I begin to dial her number in my cell phone,
Thinking somehow that running won’t set me free,
That maybe to be free you have to be less alone.
Are you enough for me?
Is every whisper and callous joke enough to hold me?
Can I stay the same,
Even when I won’t live through this flame,
If telling me that you love me,
Will mean something this time.
Can I stop taking this all in stride?
And ignore my crippling pride?”
“Are you still with him?
Is he still there?
Can you even hear me,
Over his loving stare?
Is there some reason you won’t answer?
Did I wait too long?
Are you gone?”
This is your right mind speaking.
If you’ve come here wondering what the hell is leaking,
All over your cracked wooden floor,
Its your common sense and all you adore.
But I’m here for you, and I want you to see,
That you’ll never be able to topple me.
I am your right mind,
So are you in me?”
This is your animal speaking.
I’m not here to answer your calls right now,
I’m too busy with the activity of seeking,
New things to bleed dry,
And then break down and cry,
And maybe get really drunk,
Punch a guy,
Jump in a lake.
I’m not here because I’m too busy
This is your heart speaking.
Please, stop shreaking.
I can stop the leaking.
Stop holding your sides.
Stop making that sound.
One day you’ll look into her eyes,
And they won’t just reflect you,
But me and her, too.
The smoke will clear, and the fire,
I can no longer voice what I have thought. It is a haze of how little I care about everything. I’m just so tired. So tired of everything, even when I try very hard to stir shit up to garner different results, but it all just seems like stuff I’ve done before. Nothing seems new, and it doesn’t help that when I do get a feeling of novelty, it is so fleeting due to my ability to just learn everything from the top of my head.
This isn’t a writing. It isn’t beautiful or poetic or even meaningful. Tonight it is all I have to give. I don’t have any metaphors, and I don’t know how to woo you tonight. I can’t speak, and I can’t eat, and I can’t sleep. I don’t think you’d love me this way. My only real talent is to produce a collection of vocabulary with a delicate ring to it, and it is my only offering, because everything else is a terrible mess.
Everything else is an amalgamation of lies, recklessness, self-pity, selfishness, broken parts, scars, blood, screaming, silence, and just a jumbled cord of what I can only guess is called emotion. Its terrible, and I’m so busy trying to figure out what to do with all of it that I don’t have time for you. I don’t want to make time for you, either. I’ve done all that before, and the little shitheads who occupied my affection and time turned out to be worth no more time than I have to take a shit. It was a mistake, and while it will not be the same next time, it seems to me to be a fool’s errand to just stupidly jump off a cliff because the world says I’ll fly one day…
Despite not having a single feather attached to my body.
There you go. A metaphor. I found one for you.
It’s a little bit frightening,
I’m unable to stop envisioning,
The past the shadow of what’s to come,
Eventually all things blacken under the sun.
The future will char to dust,
Beneath what is true and just,
To clean, through the smoke,
A derelict pain to suffer and choke.
Where are you now?
No, what makes you follow?
The instinct was to feed my void,
To clean up rubble from what once was destroyed.
But a sunken ship can only be emerged in separate pieces,
Rebuilt somewhere else with a brand new set of wooden creases,
New wood, proper sails, but nothing without,
A crew to sail this entirely new ship about.
A void is filled already with the limitless artefact of nothingness,
Not to be confused with stale air and martyrdom’s terrible darkness,
So where have you run off to?
I have no one but you to stare into.
One day, words will float from this empty pit,
Sail through the clouds and bring the sun in transit,
And many will smile through the sudden rain,
When a conglomerate of colours transforms the pain.
But not today.
Today, this is it.
An endless pit,
Trying to forget,
That I don’t remember,
Where you’ve been.
My pulse could beat right out from under my skin,
Coming alive and eating the air before it reaches our lungs,
For as hard as it bleeds,
You would have thought we weren’t sweating in sin.
But we are conjoined at our hips by the devil’s demand,
Dripping of saliva, sweat, and the luscious mist,
Of your precious lips,
Dragging across my skin.
And there is a growling beginning deep in the throat,
Reaching up and held back to prevent a rash action,
For at any moment,
We could both start bellowing the truth,
That we’ve got nowhere else to be,
But right where we need to be.
And together we are a tidal wave,
Creating the subtle flow of the tides,
Before crushing the entire world with our,
And sexual riptides.
It was in the dark where we ended,
Tangled askew in hearts unnamed,
Limbs broken and bruised just the same,
Melting deep into each other,
Just before we brought the world down,
In its own shame.
Crystal balls glitter through the lens,
Capturing tiny images of a bigger world,
And its just evidence of a latent storm,
Where beyond the chaos it brought,
No rainbow ever formed.
Sound familiar? Life will still never grow on you,
For the dark leads to dark and the light leads to dark.
The only certainty is I’ll never let us part,
Even with twisting winds,
And unforeseen futures,
A foggy telescope,
And no rainbow,
I’ll never let go.
Because “It is what it is.”
Was never more than expressed,
Through a simple kiss,
For all the words in the world,
Could not comfort me in this storm.
But it sure helps the rain,
The powerful gusts of wind,
The terrible hail,
And all the fearful tears,
To have you here.
Perhaps, one day, or so I’ve dreamt,
You’ll bloom to the rainbow I’ve kempt,
And the rain will dry from the glass,
So I can see the end of everlasting.
Such light the midnight eye seeks,
But when the dark finds only dark,
It is myself that I defeat,
And I hold your hand,
Despite my weakening feet.
I’ll also smile,
Even though my eyes are weak.
I’ll even hold you surely,
You’ve held me so dearly.
It was a desert storm,
And it reminded me of home.
The brittle sands and roaring sandy sea
Ravaged the foundation underneath me
The storm brought me a sleepless night
Allowing me to see a new day shine bright
On my blinded eyes from the sand
And I’m sure I will love it if I can.
My journey under the sun
During the day as a forgotten son
Brought the blind touch of a thousand burning seeds
Crept up from beneath my shaky feet.
Your hands, my hands, their hands
Wring together in a disparity orgy in the sands
For only the sake of the wind, and because they could.
But it doesn’t mean they should
For I am only made of glass
Melted together with scarred crass,
And a stupid resilience to live
Despite only impossible clarity to give
Careful, there is a danger here.
Love lurks in the shadows,
And we all know its love we fear.
As it lays dying under a mountain of crows.
They peck and gnaw a decaying body,
Of a living and breathing heart,
That love has always embodied.
But its not going to die at the start.
It will lay there dying,
Until you scare off the last crow,
Put up with the cawing and crying,
From the raven born in hell below.
I carried you.
For as long as I could walk,
And you kept me in conversation,
For as long as I could talk.
When I didn’t walk,
And when I didn’t talk,
It was peaceful at times,
Just the two of us on our pathway,
As you nuzzled into my shoulder.
But there were times strife with dismay,
Where I feared I would drop you,
And you feared the fall even more.
For I stood higher than any building,
But shorter than any god.
And you have always been afraid of heights,
So your knuckles would turn white
From gripping my neck so tight.
My bones grew tired from your weight,
My face red from strain,
But we could never stop,
Never let go,
Because of those unexplainable,
Where you nuzzled into my shoulder,
And we walked and talked,
For as far as we could.
We are at the precipice of tactile energy.
Together, our magnetic touch melted the universe.
We’ve collected with our lips a wonderful synergy,
Ignited lightly by love and timing’s curse.
A shiver of your hand belonging on my back,
My skin pulled tightly towards yours,
And it was all a moment too quick to track,
And reality was lost to the joining of our pores.
The string holding us apart had snapped,
I saw you ask for help against the void,
For you resided in it, and you were trapped.
My void yearned for yours to be destroyed.
And yet, it was not close enough.
Our bodies pulled the moon closer to earth,
But it wasn’t good enough.
It wasn’t well enough for this love’s gentile birth.
Now my reeling mind has no chance of escaping me,
For it tumbles secretly in your womb of reckless synchronicity.
My heart beats in troubled concern for your finger’s reach,
And all I want to do is love you beyond just my speech.
This time, Time was our enemy.
A dark force hindering our flight,
It was such a fleeting thing so simply,
A kiss in a surprise lonely night.
For I am the death and night,
She is the life and light,
And I’ve made this rhyme plenty of times before,
But now I feel it forevermore.
Conjoined as one in a world of twos,
I’m glad this is a world we can choose.
Breath! It escapes me.
Awareness is blinding me,
Darkness envelopes me.
Its all or nothing or maybe just her,
Just her in this cramped metal cage,
A child in the back sleeping,
Adult hands, adult lips,
Doing adult things,
In an adult world,
Of far worse and terrible things,
And I’m filled with a unbridled ecstasy,
Gifting me with careful restraint,
When otherwise I would have,
So carefully explored,
Every inch of the uncovered terrain,
Her body allowed,
But I was aware, then,
As much as I was blinded,
By every careful whisper of
A mild tone of loving chagrin.
To keep that monster at bay
I kissed away,
Forever forgetting what must come forth,
From nothing at all forced,
And my fingers could snap,
From the pressure my heart creates,
As I find that her neck tastes like calm,
And a hint of calamity.
Even our movement displayed like a song,
Rising tempo, lowered beat.
And every moment happened at once,
It ended as it began.
A coo from the back.
A noise from outside the car.
Reality enamored and lit up our world again.
Forced to leave to a world we don’t want to be a part of.
On our way until we can lose
What is real, again.
Because in the truth nobody sees,
The only thing that is real,
Is you and me.
Why I’ve gone insane
Is the question itself these days
While answers buzz around street lights
That crowd my misty street.
A beer in hand
And only four left in the rucksack
Tied to my back
And all is silent in pity
The twelve pack of booze
Makes for fine litter
I’ve poured down the street
This isn’t the first time I’ve loved you
A million times in your million forms
That didn’t release me
Until my bottle, or battle, was over.
And if I’m just bad enough to use
You’ll be immune to my abuse
Even though I’m not much to lose
But I was never really asked to choose
So let me drink to the strength
In my shoulders to carry you
And I will have spent a thousand hours
Who begrudgingly handed over their last
That had yet to fall through
The hole in their pocket
My shoes are wet from the puddles
From the rain that came
But I can’t really feel anyways
Which is a tranquil blessing
As I’m too numb now to remember the taste
Your lips left
Because I’m a dangerous tickle
To cure your ineffable boredom
So when I’m not there
I do not exist
So you had dare not say thank you
When we’ve reached the end of this
And yet now I can’t see a thing
Not even the glare the moon tries to bring
Because my eyes are probably close,
I’ll just sleep here tonight
Somewhere in this grass
This time I will only dream
Of how far I haven’t come
From being a rapist’s son
A dead mother’s shame
A fragile heart destroyer
A careless temper
Nobody could give two shits about
In the dark, there is no laughter
On this street, there is no audience
Just the grass
A fucked up past
And no more common sense
Dreaming of Storytelling
The sun is coming down,
And we will own this town.
Tonight you’ll wear the crown,
We’ll forget why we could ever frown…
Let’s start over by the park,
And the twilight changes the leaves on these trees,
To the colors of fall in the middle of summer,
And the soft sprinkling of summer blossoms,
Keep getting caught in our hair,
As we found new trees to kiss under.
As the first stars begin to open their tired eyes,
We’ll find a fountain in the city plaza,
Glittering with caroling light,
And we’ll just chat beside it, a hand held or two.
I’ll make jokes and you’ll make me laugh.
Next as the night life begins to bustle,
We’ll walk to a show in the old downtown,
I’m not sure what show it was
(We shared our fair share of drinks)
But we sure had a lot of fun,
Sneaking off into the corner darkness gloom.
It breaches the hours of the morning,
And a little bit tired and sober,
We found our way by the beachside,
I brought a blanket,
So we laid and we watched the sky turn,
From black to blue
To purple to pink,
To orange and back to blue.
We watched the stars fall asleep,
And the sun awaken.
I’ll awaken to the blinding sun,
With the sting of your kisses fresh,
On my skin that’s been cooked well-done,
A beet red canvas of flesh.
And you will be gone.
Pain sets in, to my skin,
I’ve already formed blisters, in my sleep.
I scramble to recapture your sin,
Perhaps in the ocean’s deep.
So I swim.
So far I went with broken skin painfully cracking,
Saltwater burning to the very blood inside,
Even in pain there could be no slacking,
I can’t afford to let you hide.
Or run away.
Days went by and I
Found by sandy beaches far away,
Learned to die,
Just a little bit today.
And you pulled up in your little sailboat,
A smile adorned your face,
You picked me up so my mouth met your throat,
And you softly whispered
“Never leave this place”
And you leaned down to kiss me,
Kiss me back to life again,
I’ve been so long stranded in a sea,
Of an apathetic desperate strain.
Once my heart began to breathe again,
You sat on this new island I beached upon,
And began to tell me a story over glasses,
Of stone champagne.
“The tide had come in before you awoke,
Nearly drowning me in some kind of sick joke,
The riptide carried me out to sea,
As you slumbered, untouched by me,
Even as my arms clawed outwards to find you,
They didn’t touch a single part of you.
The sea was too strong.
“In the unsteady waters I learned to float,
Not able to quite swim,
But just enough to surface my throat.
So I remained there for many days,
As you slept in summer’s haze.
I waited, I screamed,
And you never came forth from slumber.
I began to recall my forthwith blunder.
“I thought of how we danced and we were drunk
That perhaps you forgot yourself in inebriated funk,
You slept to recover from the night’s fever,
You always achieved to be an under-achiever.
I figured maybe the fountain was poison,
A bitter taste of my then-current ocean,
And you’ll be awake nevermore,
Oh, how my heart then grew sore.
I figured maybe in the park I had just found your ghost,
A body long thought dead on the nearest coast,
That I dreamed alive with thoughts on fire,
Though eventually my imagination would tire.
But then I thought.
It was just me.”
With a somber tone and a crooked smile,
You looked up at me with starry reprisal,
Telling me amongst my shame,
That I never was to blame.
“In all my negative thoughts,
I sank deeply and across,
The ocean landscape I dwelt in for so long
As it pulled me further down and along.
I realized that with each fear,
My body became more dense, my dear.
Each smile I destroyed with a frown,
Kept pulling me further down.
Surely, I was going to drown.
“Above me, then, I saw you pass.
Swimming furiously in this dark impasse,
And I nearly had a heart attack from excitement,
Instead I began to float despite my personal
“So I continued to think of how I loved you,
It was literally all I could think to do,
So I chased you across the salty brine,
But I couldn’t catch you in time.
“In your wake you destroyed boats,
Airplanes, fish, practically anything that flew or float,
And from the wreckage I build my own sail,
It started so damn frail.
Darling, you swam for so long,
I never knew you were so damn strong.
“Eventually you went belly up,
And I had long since figured you gave up,
But my fully built boat wouldn’t allow it,
Even if it made my entire hull split.
“And I found you here,
Dying, here, my dear.
You know it the best.
You saved me first,
So then I saved you the rest.”
On our island we, since then, would live,
The world too forgotten to forgive,
The sand beneath our toes meant that,
There was nothing left to ever combat.
And so it was, in our dreams and our eyes,
A love the world forgot under the skies,
But what we would someday die,
As together we lie.
I’ll walk slow, sure.
On a trail to wherever you dare.
I’ll laugh and turn away, yeah.
When I’ve finished recounting hated days.
I’ll wait there for you,
Under a tree,
Of which you wanted to steal,
To stick in your yard,
That doesn’t quite exist.
In a panicked moment of oversight,
I picked apart from the branch,
The tree’s lowest flower,
But I forgot to promise to come back here,
And steal every flower for you,
Until you have the entire tree.
And yet with a dodging joke,
I presented to you,
Nothing extraordinary, instead.
In the consequence of my stabled fear,
You touched my hand in solemn swear,
Under a fallen tree,
That it was perfect, “like you, my dear.”
That distracted me from the usual distractions,
For it’s impossibilities filled me with humility,
That despite such stumbling and goofy infractions,
You’d still lovingly lie to me.
Sticks and stones,
Make up my bones,
And words will always
But in the crook of a dried up creek,
Beneath the split of splashing sun rays,
I’ll be the one who refuses to seek,
Sunlit, but meaningless, days.
You’ll be there in the fog,
Wondering why I can’t see,
Offering up an escape from this bog,
Of paralyzing terrifying electrifying dead seas.
So watch me stumble and,
Watch me fall.
For my fingers,
And one wrong step,
I will lose it all.
And in that moment I will be an explosion,
Of broken sticks and bones.
Yet in my idyllic fragility,
I’ve carried you far.
I don’t care much for sensibility.
Or trying to avoid,
Another to add,
To my collection of scars.
So in a simple moment of unwavering thought,
I’ll love you in the fog,
And when or if the sun breaks,
I’ll have already given you my all.
I’m unconsciously devoted,
To the tiny reminder,
That even when I’m not alone,
I am alone.
I’ve never had a family to fall apart,
Or a wife or a child.
And I’m immature and uncomfortable and new,
To all differing lives,
No matter how mild.
Even when my heart beats loud enough for her to hear,
I’ll have to listen to my ears pop when her “I love you” isn’t mine.
I’ll always be here in this stupid devotion,
Of empty longing and silent emotion.
I’ve tamed well the vocal beast,
That gnaws away when I am weak,
So I will not scratch and I will not tear,
Her unconscious devotion to a home.
Says the eye to the prize.
Says the young to the wise.
Says the truth to the lies.
Contrast is woven in the fabric of palpable capability.
Radicals dash like lightning across “being careful’s” fragility.
And below my feet lie bodies torn terribly asunder,
From the war struck from “am I capable’s” vocal thunder.
In mourning my stream of thought seems to be laid to rest beside any promising truth willing to lend me a moment’s silence, even if apart from clarity. The retentive stumble across blocks of rhythmic dance steps troubles and tires a mind lost in war, but complacency will offer only mutual destruction. So far, it has only placed every soldier’s dear tremulous life in the hands of imagistic mysticism.
In the effort to save those long since dead,
I’ve picked up my feet again despite what I’ve said.
Marching toward the enemy’s front line,
Of which I must defend against, once again, mine.
Sorrow and misery is the blood covering my flesh,
An armor woven from contempt’s violent thresh.
Self-pity and self-respect my own created enemy,
Forever changing form in constant mocking brevity.
In defeat, I am dead,
In victory, nothing is said.
In ceasefire, nothing is gained,
In peace, I am chained.
Finally, in those moments where a brief and glancing sunrise shines a glare across every fighter’s nightblinded eyes, I’ve grown to love the warmth and silence given in shock and disbelief. The fighting always resumes, for the rising of any sun lasts only until the end of dawn, but from the time when the last bullet falls and the new one begins, I am happy.
I cannot wait,
But I cannot fight.
You’re my final sunrise,
Until tomorrow’s twilight.
If you’re fleeting I want all I can swallow.
But if you’re fragile I want nothing to violate you.
So I’m frozen in the glaring heat,
Boiling off of you.
My mind will awaken me in the night,
From a soul’s impossible reality,
Which gave me such tepid fright.
In a cloudless dream from every night,
A dream of happiness and lover’s delight,
A terrible whisper blanketed my sight.
Lying awake and fearing life,
I wanted silently in that cold night,
For your warmth to grace my strife.
But the daylight was not kind to me,
Even life failed to be contrite.
So in my dreams you remained to be.
The night is where my breath is the loudest.
My nightmares are where my voice is the strongest.
And in company with your nighttime visits,
My heart becomes the proudest.
For it sits next to yours.